The joys of PMS or, how Moms restrain themselves from imploding.

It’s going to be

one of those days, I can tell. Apparently the joys of PMS have decided to invade my household, making me really wish for, oh, lessee, a very short pier, a very long walk, and marrying the two to the entire freaking world.

Ah, the joys of one’s children and spouse asking thought-provoking and insightful questions like

MOM! What does “Day Phone” mean?

MOM! I see you gave me a check for picture day! Do I need to fill out the credit card information?

MOM! I see you’re about to implode! MOM! I have lots of lovely trigonometry questions! Let’s do them *together!*

MOM! Why don’t we put the water sprinklers on in the winter?

MOM! What’s sin(38)? Oh wait, that’s a sin to know! Get it? “sin”? SINE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DEAR! I see that our kids spilled the orange juice on the floor and as you just came home exhausted from fixing your friends’ computer, can you mop it up now? I made sure to leave it just for you!

MOM! Did you hear me? Okay, what about tan(38)? It’s darker! Get it? “tan”? Ha hahahahahahaha!

MOM! Remember how you told me never to color the living room walls? MOM? Were you serious about that MOM?

MOM! What’s cos(38)? ‘Cos it’s so cool MOM! Get it? ‘COS? Cosine? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yep, it’s going to be one of those days, let me tell you. It’s days like this I can truly relate to:

How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? One.

ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.

And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…… I’m sorry… what did you ask me?

And don’t forget about:

You know a woman has PMS when…..

• * She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
• * She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
• * She puts on one of those pads with “wings,” then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
• * She’s developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.
• * She retains more water than Lake Superior.
• * She denies she’s in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and “chambers one.”
• * She buys you a new T-shirt -with a bulls-eye on the front.
• * You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,”All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?”
• * She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
• * She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets,and then mauls the manager because they’re out of Diet Coke.

Oh, if only there was adult sparring today. Ah well, I shall survive, I promise. I really shall.

ThankYouVeryMuch!

Owlbert

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ps - here’s a rather humorous PMS clip:

pss - and speaking about PMS:

I HAVE PMS WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE HALLMARK 1986 COFFEE MUG|

SIGN PMS & ALL OUT OF CHOCOLATE retro vintage women 720|

The Everything Health Guide to PMS |

PMS - A Positve Program To Gain Control - UNABRIDGED AU|

Sharyn McCrumb, THE PMS OUTLAWS, PB, 1ST|

PMS BE VERY AFRAID Laser Italian Charm Grouchy Grouch|

The PMS Diet Book (Overcoming Common Problems Series), |

PMS 50 Tabs, Hylands Store Sale|

       

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