Morning!

Last Friday I wrote how I was hanging up my BJJ gi because I have nobody to teach the magnificent 40+ year old woman that I am. Because of several other issues in my life (pulling my bicep muscle/self-doubts/etc.), I gave myself permission to run away from all martial arts for awhile…until last night.

Last night was so otherworldly it was astonishing. First off was kids advanced karate; I sat and watched and thought to myself, why am I still doing this? Why on earth bother? I’ve lost one form of training; what good would continuing here be?

And then….and then I saw my eldest spar. And wow oh wow, I started to remember…not mentally, but emotionally. I had begun karate with my entire family because I pride myself on always walking the walk I talk…just because I had run into one roadblock, why on earth had I chosen to mentally give up? Oh, my kid was awesome - the concentration, the fire within her, the ability to step up to the plate…it was incredible to witness.

But not as incredible as what followed! During the last demo practice, my eldest was tapped by our shihan to be on the nunchaku demo team….and yesterday she was told to participate in the drill. My eldest had taught herself the demo on her own…and while she has to work out some style kinks and such, she kept up pace tremendously. I could figuratively see the thoughts in her head - “I’m going to excel and there’s NOTHING ANYONE can do about that!!!!”

Almost started crying there, I did. And I realized….if my kids can be so utterly magnificent, you had better damn well believe Mom will be THE SAME WAY…. every step of the way too.

So! After that class, my husband picked up our kids and I participated in Adult sparring (first time in 2 weeks). During the whole warmup, I kept repeating to myself, I can DO this! and when it came time to spar, all self-doubts about myself…vanished. Poof! Sure, I still have lots to learn…but my attitude is back to being:

I am Mom, hear me roar!

Everything happens for a reason. I’ve learned that even I, the all-powerful Mother Unit, requires time off to regroup when I’m hit hardest in my personal assessment of myself…but that’s okay:

There is no shame nor dishonor to giving oneself permission for time to decide on one’s future course….because the journey for those answers end up teaching you deep inside and leaving their mark on your soul.

After class, I wanted to hug everyone but being the calm, dignified person I am (plus, only one other person there knew of my angst anyways), satisfied myself with thanking the folks with whom I sparred and telling the others, you escaped this time!

After class, I couldn’t stop thinking about my eldest and how she rose to the occasion…so I went to Barnes and Noble and bought her the book she has been craving now for quite awhile. Turns out…. she was waiting up for me in the evening, so we had some special time together in which I reiterated just how proud of her I was.

What an evening worth treasuring, on so many levels.

Today! Today I write write write and thank my guardian angel for the experiences I had yesterday. Such things are the gold that makes up life.

Time to start the coffee,

Barbara

ps - speaking about heaven (okay, coffee)….

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